January 19, 2010

On my mind

Have you ever wondered how you got to the point you're at? I have. At this point in my life I feel that I hit my height and that's a scary feeling. I'm nervous that what I expect to happen and what will happen are complete opposites. I know as a Christian I'm suppose to believe that through God all things are possible. I do but I can't shake the feeling that I'm missing something great. I guess I feel that things in my life are slowing down and not in a good way. I'm engaged, which is great, but after we moved the date back I've been feeling a bit down, maybe even lifeless about everything. One of my best friends says I feel this way because I had my hopes crushed and don't want to get hurt again, she may be right. It meant a lot to me and I guess I'm disappointed. It was a wedding buzz killer. Then i feel like I don't hang out with anyone anymore and all I do is sit on my computer and browse wedding sites or facebook. People are just too damn unattainable! What am I suppose to do about it? My closest friends live on the East side of the state and I'm on the West. If I try to hang with friends out here they're always too busy. Not to mention I don't have a job! I quit my job for one that was seasonal thinking my experience would save my ass...NOPE! So no money to do anything which sucks because I haven't been jobless in years! I guess it boils down to my self-worth and it not being very high. I'm not use to doing nothing, all this free time, or being sick/injured. I don't like being dependent on others because I couldn't do that when I was younger. I just pray everyday for strength, courage, wisdom, and knowledge so that what I aspire to be can one day be a reality.
Sorry for the depressing post but I just needed to talk.

Thanks for reading (or not),

1 comment:

  1. Well, seeing all of this going on with you firsthand, I feel I've attributed to some of it. I want you to know that even though we pushed the date back, that the thought of you walking down the aisle on our day isn't any further from my mind than the day I proposed to you. I'm not a perfect person by any means, but you deserve better from me. I love you with all my heart. I want you to know that I will do better as your future husband, but right now as your best friend and lover. Just know that you're not going through it alone...I'm right beside you.