January 19, 2010
On my mind
Have you ever wondered how you got to the point you're at? I have. At this point in my life I feel that I hit my height and that's a scary feeling. I'm nervous that what I expect to happen and what will happen are complete opposites. I know as a Christian I'm suppose to believe that through God all things are possible. I do but I can't shake the feeling that I'm missing something great. I guess I feel that things in my life are slowing down and not in a good way. I'm engaged, which is great, but after we moved the date back I've been feeling a bit down, maybe even lifeless about everything. One of my best friends says I feel this way because I had my hopes crushed and don't want to get hurt again, she may be right. It meant a lot to me and I guess I'm disappointed. It was a wedding buzz killer. Then i feel like I don't hang out with anyone anymore and all I do is sit on my computer and browse wedding sites or facebook. People are just too damn unattainable! What am I suppose to do about it? My closest friends live on the East side of the state and I'm on the West. If I try to hang with friends out here they're always too busy. Not to mention I don't have a job! I quit my job for one that was seasonal thinking my experience would save my ass...NOPE! So no money to do anything which sucks because I haven't been jobless in years! I guess it boils down to my self-worth and it not being very high. I'm not use to doing nothing, all this free time, or being sick/injured. I don't like being dependent on others because I couldn't do that when I was younger. I just pray everyday for strength, courage, wisdom, and knowledge so that what I aspire to be can one day be a reality.
Sorry for the depressing post but I just needed to talk.
Thanks for reading (or not),